Last evening i was labelled inhuman( because i preferred not to react to anger with anger), apart from that i was told off for being too cool(again because i really wanted to be rational and not loose it so i did all i could to swallow and react as calmly as possible) and generally the language thrown at me implied that i was a total shit, thinking i’m so great and all..i have lived with this for more than 2 decades now, you never really can get totally used to this but it is possible to weather it better…like waves crashing onto a rock cliff, in time a cavern is carved, totally hollowed out and in more time, the hollow will grow….emotions emptied out..maybe one day there will be no thoughts no more…
So here i was, so very many years ago (in Desaru with one of my close friends :)), last bastion of a time when life was less complicated, just before i made choices and ended up in a hopelessly tangled life…i often wondered (and no answer to this yet..), would i have gone down this road i took if i had known…is the price worth it?
Through all the roller coaster of destructive emotions and upheavals, which at a time long past, used to send me spiralling into fear..the stomach churning/sinking, going to fall out through your bowel type of fear..the impossible to expect and even now, I can hardly speak of type of chronic despair and confusion which left me standing, stone cold, nailed to the floor unable to move..until my colleague had to shout and direct me, pack your things up…..what?…whaaattt???..help me..i don’t know what to do… At other times, there was really nothing i could do but to fall on my knees and pray.
Sometimes, following each incident (and there were so many!!),there might be contrition or maybe just carry on..well hey..its biz as usual..
i really hate to disappoint all..it did not come naturally this looking like oh so cool and collected, the craziness i had to endure put in place self preservation methods to keep me from sliding into the dark abyss 😦 I long learnt to make me happy because no one else can on a long and consistent basis..but i can coz i’m always around me :)..and one of the wisest doctrine i’ve ever read was..”why wrap the globe with leather when you can just wrap your own feet?”
So, frankly, i’m not flawless, really, my impatience is legendary..my tongue can be caustic and my tolerance is low and i can be partial., i am not trying to be clever or someone i’m not, i don’t want to have to keep up..but, i have gone through harrowing years, difficult and impossible and i have no choice but to sweep aside all obstacles and plough through with instincts and sheer hard, back-breaking work..hanging on by the skin of my teeth, if all these are interpreted as something else..nevermind, i have nothing to proof, i just have responsibilities to fulfil.
Sad..but like waves of a retreating tide..each ebbing gets weaker and some day soon, my eyes will no longer glisten with frustration..my heart will no longer be heavy..i won’t care if i were misunderstood or name called.