go ahead..stigmatize me

photoA pal of mine was sending out some distress signals, so I put time aside last week to catch up over..what else, drinks!

She was feeling kind of depressed, in fact she has been drifting in and out of that since her mum passed on a couple of years back (…she actually left her job to look after her mum for the last several months).

Her GP told her seeing a psychiatrist would be the last resort (hrumpphh?!) and proceeded to prescribe her with some uppers ( i suppose..) and to take when necessary? (actually these meds have to be phased in and out, tapering doses..)  She asked me what my opinion was?  Well, I would say I totally disagree with the GP, there is this hang up in our society..its like if you are any good at all you can conquer all and your mind has to be invincible! Then, you are strong and good.  Oh for crying out loud!

You see, I’ve been to hell and back, so, I can be the authority here.  Back in the 04/05, the economy went into a tailspin, we were caught flat-footed.  Then in 05 my long time biz partner decided to pack up her bags and went off to HKG. I was left with a collapsing biz model, a depressing economy and worries every single moment of awakening.. how the hell am I going to put food on the table at the end of every month.  And, I can’t just wait till I’m better to bring in the bacon, I like have to do it anyway, anyhow..no matter how shitty I felt.

At the same time my long time pal from school was also experiencing extreme pressure, work, sick mom …whatever, and, she recommended that I see her psychiatrist.

I was feeling so unhappy all of the time, sad and defeated and betrayed… .I found it so hard to get up in the morning, I really wanted to sleep forever.. it was like so hard for me to make decisions.  I mean, in normal circumstances,  I have to make decisions like all of the time and I usually make them in seconds and suddenly I can’t…how frustrating was that?

My visits to my psychiatrist went on for about 1 – 2 years, the medicine he told me was to help clear “choked up drains”..my mind just gave up, neurons spluttering instead of firing.. and a I needed the meds to clear them.

The talking at each appointment was just so so, at first I just accepted and.. just listened on..and suddenly one day, I was silently rebutting him and making up my own mind what I would do and in that moment it was like…oh hello000, you are back!..and where have you been? That was my last appointment, I finished up my meds and I continued with living in a nice way.

Acquaintances of mine, even to this day, tiptoe around me when this low point of my life comes up..it irritates me to no end.  This archaic behaviour of theirs brings no help to people needing help.  For me, I really can’t be bothered, I know I am not a super woman, I know I may need a boost from time to time…I wanted to get to a happier place and I wanted to go there really fast.  And I think my doctor and his meds helped..alot. I did not want to spend 10 unhappy years trying to overcome what can be cured by some pills in a flash..why?  To prove that I can do it without help?  That does not apply to other sickness, does it?

Back to my friend who urged me to see the doctor, she told me one day she was driving home and suddenly the trees lining the road were all green again, brilliant and beautiful..things ceased to be in black and white on that day!  Is that not fantastic?

And me?  I would say now I am happy most of the time, happiness is easy, you create your own.  And I know exactly when things are getting me down and I’d take time out..usually to do my hair..that is my all time high.  Sometimes I’d drive to the top of a hill with a can of coffee..sometimes I’d go gaze into the sea..or I see people who make me happy 🙂

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