Is saying sorry really that hard?

WORDPRESSMy mum and dad parted ways in their 40s..i think..after the initial trauma of separation followed swiftly by a divorce, they became friends and talked more to each other than they ever did when they were married. Till now. Weird..very weird.

i was in my late teens to early twenties then i think, rock and rolling and being a serial lover..no..nothing lush, just serially falling in love with the wrong people, yes and to this day and yes..proud of it! you got a problem?

i was not home much..i mean..i was in a hurry to live..my bro and sis stayed in the family home with dad of course and my sis told me..many years later, dad cried at the dinner table, he collapsed and had to be helped to bed..my mum? oh the villain! she when off to marry another man..yes!

just how much upheaval did we have to endure..plenty! my mum first fell in love with dad’s friend, when i was in my ‘early teens’, they managed to reconcile, mum came home and everything was as normal as it could be until my mum just threw in the towel and was gone for good..that was when i was in my ‘late teens’

it was very odd to come home and find the cupboard which she shared with dad empty of her stuff..she could have left it blank but she chose to cover it with a sheet…wierd..again, very weird.

as i said above, for what it was worth, they became friends after the storm calmed..just how friendly? when my dad retired, they all went on a whirlwind tour to Europe, Dad, Mum, Mum’s so and so, my sis & her husband..and..we still have our reunion dinners together to this day. now, the chinese new year reunion dinner is the mother of all dinners, families have to congregate and eat together on the last night of the year before the new year rolls in..is this getting weirder? good! just in case, may i state that i am Singaporean chinese, south-east asian..i like chilli alot..no mistaking here for something else please that rings of the Middle Kingdom please!

recently i took mum & dad to HKG, and as i recall, several years back the whole family went to Kota Kinabalu..at both holidays, there was a point in time mum broke down and cried..now why? yes, really why??

At KK mum said life for her was tough, she got married to my dad at 19 and my brother was born soon after, as a girl without a family in Singapore (seems like she came here on her own from Malacca, leaving behind a mother there, i don’t know the true or whole story, tried to ask her once but she got really mad?!) she had to do all the housework for the extended family (everyone stayed in my GrandDad’s Peranakan house) and endured a whole lot of bullying and she took it out on my bro (being the precious 1st born grandson) by knocking his head when things just became too unbearable as he was the ‘favoured child’, after which, she’d cry…of course, dad did not stand up for her. and most recently in HKG, we talked a little about our old ancestral home one night whilst relaxing in our hotel room and mum got so worked up that she said, if she had turned bad (meaning…left home..falling in love with some other??), it was circumstancial..why? coz the one nearest her never stood up for her ever! dad turned grey and look shocked and dismayed, for a moment, i thought, die la, 2 crying parents…well..we managed to get over that.

in the aftermath, i thought..there were expectations that were never met nor were broken promises acknowledged..dad never said he was sorry, probably not because he did not love mum, but being a chinese man, expressing of emotions comes hard..besides..he is Aquarius, not on my list of clear communicators, my mum, Virgo..supposed to be ruled by the yet to be discovered planet vulcan, the lame goddess thunder..as i am, we sound ominous already..

and in my life, i have had very many sorries not said to me, do i harbour..not really but it is kind of hard to let go completely if the sorry was never spoken..it’s always there hovering..unsorry sorries that were tripping to get off your tongue, yes got that too, do i buy it, not really..so, why it is so hard to say sorry from deep inside of you? too much pride around…? afraid of being struck down when you are at your most vulnerable? don’t know..

well in case anyone is interested, i am sun and moon in virgo with Sagittarius rising, i like solitude and parties..rah rah.., i like being retrospective and yet can talk up a storm..i like heels and can i trek up mountains! and, i do really appreciate apologies and acknowledgement of wrongs, and, that i give as good as well πŸ™‚

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