seriously, how do you divide your tears?

IMG_1705its been a bad week, i’m overwhelmed with work, i have the constant pressure to bring food to the table for several, i have 2 staff serving me well for more than 10 and 20 years respectively are leaving, our founding father #LKY of #Singapore biz partner for almost 28 years, who, has brought me much grief in the last 10 years has been diagnosed for cancer..

now..tell me, which stream of tears should be attributed to which?

our founding father?  well he was and will be one of the most incredible man that has every lived and lucky we are for him, that we are able to live in a very progressive city with good inter racial relationships, which I hope will run far into the future, we all mourn as we would for someone who has always been the warrior for us all, so who is going to protect us now?  who is going to look out for us?

my biz partner, well that is more personal, and in one of our conversations this recent days before she went back to HKG, she said “let’s not read between the lines already, i am so sick, there are so much memories”

that is true, however i do remember, always, i remember all these

– helping me get a flat, helping me set it up way back when i was just in my early twenties

– taking a long lazy bus ride up to BKK and a long train ride back home

– starting up the company with $25!

– your solo trips to Korea during military occupation on cheap courier tickets

– your buying a Snoopy curtain for me from money saved from lunch

– your running in and out of hotels looking for a room for the night in BKK whilst I slept in the taxi

– your alchohlic binges after your dad’s and mom’s death, nights when i’m called to get your wasted body

– your so many broken relationships, sending me scurrying around

– going to Cologne to present to 7-11, spending our days at coffee bars

– waking up in a hotel room in Paris to find that you are at the coffee shop out there taking a smoke

– sleeping in an Osaka room whilst you were on the computer

– your crazy mood swings and impossible behaviour too

i never seemed to have the chance to make you understand how hard the last 10 years have been when you packed up and went, i don’t think i can recover from the fatique ever, but how can that be expressed? you’d be thinking i’m still standing upright..but how do i express that the tiredness in my soul is real?

how did i keep going? i kept going by thinking every moment, working at every possible time, using my savings while the company is re-organized and steered to a better path

you may not see it, but how did i show i care and cared, you were wondering since i refused to share the contents of my will, i did so by allowing you time, time to find yourself, money to keep the stress away whilst you rejuvenate and find out what is best for you..i have already given you what i possibly can whilst i am alive, why wait for death? in death, there is nothing we all need anyway so it matters not who gets what and who you give do you understand?

what i want to do, i want to do whilst i am still alive, i want to say to whoever what i want to say whilst i am still is not hard to do, it is what i always want to do


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